Intro

One of the many fascinating discoveries about human nature that I have made while dadding is that kids have a need to keep a little dignity in defeat. We often think about dignity and pride as “adult characteristics”, but it turns out they are “human characteristics” present in all ages.

I made this discovery during my children’s “terrible twos”, and it has proven particularly valuable for me as it has cut the length of tantrums and fights by over 50%. It is not an exaggeration to say that if a tantrum used to take 30 minutes, with this discovery the tantrum now took 15 minutes. Which means it has saved me hours, and maybe even days, of my life. That kind of improvement is invaluable.

The Problem

When I started out disciplining my two-year-old for bad behavior (throwing tantrums in this example), I took the standard approach I think all parents take. I insisted on complete and total submission to my authority. This, inevitably, led to long, drawn-out struggles of will-power that could take over an hour to resolve.

When my child threw a tantrum, I would pick up my child and we would go outside. I would insist they calm down and stop screaming before I put them down and allowed them to go back inside. This, of course, resulted in an even bigger tantrum. Now we had to resolve two screaming fits. And when I insisted on stopping this second tantrum, it would result in a third tantrum. And so, the escalations continued until we were both exhausted.

The Discovery

One day, I noticed that the tantrums came in waves. When I pushed back firmly, but gently, and was patient, the overreaction would eventually go away but we were still “in a fight”.

It was like being in the calm space between two waves at the beach. When my next move was to insist on total surrender, the feelings would swell and crash into another tantrum and we would repeat the same fight we just finished.

In that calm between tantrums, I eventually learned that my child was ready to obey but he needed a way out that let him keep some dignity. He wanted a little win. He wanted some minor concession to demonstrate he still had some control. If I offered a way out that he could choose to accept, he almost always took it.

For example, let’s pretend we were throwing a tantrum over wanting twelve sheets of Kleenex (yes that happened). In the lull between tantrums, I might offer that if he was ready to go inside, he could choose whether to get one Kleenex himself or ask mommy to get it for him.

He saw the opportunity to exercise a little agency. He took the deal and chose to get his one Kleenex himself. The tantrum ended way faster than the previous fight over Kleenexes. Victory!

The Philosophy

Years later, I came across this quote that neatly captured my experiences:

Build your enemies a golden bridge
to retreat across.

The quote is attributed to Sun Tzu online. It means you should make it easy for your enemies to retreat. You should “pave the path with gold” for others to give you what you want.

In this particular example, I wanted my kid to stop throwing a tantrum. By offering him a path of retreat where he got to keep a little dignity, I made it easier for him to accept the terms of surrender.

I didn’t offer him a bribe. I didn’t give him what he threw the tantrum about. (That would be rewarding bad behavior.) But I did give him some of his autonomy back. It let him walk back into the house with his head held high.

It requires a little forethought, which isn’t always easy in parenting. But if I think about what it is I want to get from my kids (cleaning a room, saying yes sir, no more fighting, etc.) and then I spend a little time strategizing about how I could make it easy for the kids to obey, it seems to increase the chances of success.

Applications

This could obviously apply to interactions with all humans, but if I narrow it to just my interactions with my children, it still has broad implications.

To give a current example, we are now in the stages of childhood where we are trying to get rid of bad habits like picking noses. My instinctual approach would be to tell them not to do it and lose my temper next time I catch them doing it…not very helpful.

But, if I remember this lesson, I might have a talk with them where I lay out the goal and why it is important. I would then ask for their help in coming up with an approach. Is there a habit we can use to replace picking noses? What is a fitting penalty for failure? What is a good reward for success? Involving my child in the strategy session helps make it easier for them to give me what I was aiming for.

(Update: Success! One month later and we have stopped picking noses!)

A second example could be that I really want the backyard picked up. Maybe I don’t ask at the end of a busy weekday when everyone is exhausted and worn out. Instead, maybe ask on Saturday morning when everyone is recharged and ready to go outside anyway. I make it easier for them to give me what I want.

A third example might be that I want the kids to stay in bed longer in the morning so my wife and I can sleep. Maybe I set them up for success by getting one of those light up clocks that slowly lights up when it reaches 6:30 am each morning. Now, the kids know that if they wake up and the glowing light isn’t on then it’s still time for sleep. They don’t have to get up, wake me up, and ask if it is time to get up. I made it easier for them to give me what I want.

Closing Thoughts

I never thought I would be quoting Sun Tzu and the Art of War to better understand my interactions with my children! Then again, I do a lot of things I never thought I would do now that I am a dad. I guess that’s how dadding expands your horizons and makes you a better person.

I should warn that this approach, just like everything in life, is not a silver bullet. It doesn’t guarantee success. It didn’t stop all tantrums from my two-year-olds. But it did help. It did increase my chances of success. And it has been a boon to my interactions, both, inside and outside of my home.

I encourage you try it. Think about how you could make it easier for other people to give you what you want. Maybe just a little bit of planning and preparation will increase your odds of success.

May the odds be ever in your favor!